January 17, 2010

quarter-life crisis

need more guidance... an older, positive figure. i feel like i'm making bad decisions for myself and my future life. i was recently introduced to a new mallory. i'm constantly changing and cannot ever tell if it's for better or for worse. my ex fiance is back home from japan, stirring up a lot of lost times. 'what could have beens, and what shouldn't have beens.' that was the only relationship i've ever been in. i let my guard down for someone one time and am now permanently fucked. my first and most likely only love. msh. msh. i lost all of my innocence in that relationship. maybe i just need someone to blame for being such an outstanding figure of 'out of control teen.'
growing up in such a small city such as minneapolis where everyone knows everyone, i made quite the title for myself. no one will ever look at me differently because of it. and although i've had worse years... i feel more lost then ever. i must find myself once again. and plan out my life more carefully. living in the moment is nice at first until you make a wrong turn. getting my dwi probably was the most shocking event of 2009 for myself. i got a great deal of responsibility and blew it, along with my job. goooood job. i'm not as inspired as i used to be. and even if inspiration comes along i lack motivation.

2 comments:

  1. Relationships (of the type you're referring to) require the proverbial leap of faith. You have to open your heart and let down your guard, otherwise the relationship is going to be a hollow mockery of what it could potentially be. Does that mean that you risk being hurt, losing part of yourself? Definitely. That's life, though. It's not easy to get over or get past the hurt that can be caused, nor is it easy to pick up the pieces and move on. I wouldn't say that you're "permanently fucked" - unless you choose to be so.

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